You might have noticed a big break in my blogs of late.
I’ve been undergoing a huge amount of self reflection and reevaluation.
After all, it’s that time of year isn’t it? When we look at the year passed and decipher whether we will finish it with celebration or commiseration?
Truth be told, I’ve spent the last two years in reflection- trying to solve the mysteries of my mind, the foundations for my life long struggle with depression and the reasons for thinking and self criticising the way I do. Every day.
I’ve had weeks of being in an out of control nose dive into depression and I’ve had weeks of being on top of the world with all the stars aligned.
I’ve felt incredibly alone and I’ve felt incredibly loved.
But there’s one thing I’ve learnt through it all.
People will always surprise me!
Now that I’m in my forties, I really thought I had it all worked out- friends, support, love, strength and peace.
With soul searching came some pretty mind blowing revelations about who I am, who I want to be and who I need around me to create the person I want to be remembered for.
Like Marie Kondo, I’ve de-cluttered. Not the second drawer in the kitchen or the pile of clothes that might come back in style again, but the people I choose to have around me.
I can’t say it’s been easy. It’s not. At least when you’re an HSP (highly sensitive person) like me, it’s BLOODY hard.
( The blog about being an HSP will come one day, when I have more guts.)
So how have people surprised me so much? Well, I shall tell you!
I have had so much support, love and non-judgement from clients, friends, and new acquaintances who I never expected it from.
People with open and free minds and people with respect, depth, compassion and kindness have come into my life and I am truly, truly grateful. Thank you.
I have dear, dear friends- both old and new, who see me. They see me for all my ups and downs, all my flaws, all my strengths and all my retreats.
I’ve found myself distanced from some who I thought would be there forever. Friends who I have lived and shared so much of my life with. Friends who I’ve laughed and cried with and friends who used to support me.
And that’s just it isn’t it? We all want to be heard. We all want to be able to share. We all want to feel valued. We owe ourselves the love that we so freely give to other people.
And when I seriously took stock of who surrounded me by choice, who only needed me for listening to them and who was around for my good AND my bad, well, things had to change.
I’ve been loved and supported and I’ve been rejected and excluded.
It hurts. It really hurts.
But that’s OK. Feelings are necessary and they don’t all feel good.
People won’t change if they don’t see fault in their actions. So time may tell you to let go. To detox. To be at peace.
And I’m glad to say that right now- that’s where I’m at.
I’m at peace.
I have so many people (and animals) to be grateful for.
I love you all and I wish you happiness and peace for the new year.